Friday, November 6, 2015

What is this?

I am female bodied, but I'm not one of the girls. Nor am I one of the guys. I don't identify as male, or a man, or female, or a woman. I once identified as gender fluid, but have found it to be inaccurate. Gender neutral? Third gender? Androgyne? Agender? What?

I'm still questioning, but I know I'm some where in between, not quite anything, never quite belonging.

There are others that seem to be in a similar situation, and they've adopted the terms that make sense to them right now (or right whenever they wrote or said what they wrote or said). But none of the terms seem quite right to me. It's all very confusing.

I am transitioning, though. This is a new concept to me. I used to think that a person could only transition within the binary - male to female, female to male. Apparently you can transition (with therapist and doctor and all that) to "neutral" or "neutrois". The acronym seems to always be *tN, whatever you want the N to stand for. More on this later, but right now I'm focusing on changing my expression and presentation, things like my voice and hair and clothes.

Looking for tips and tricks, I found all these videos on YouTube by teenage FtMs or MtFs, or *tNs even. I'm 26. A decade older than these blog and vlog authors. These people are transitioning while their hormones are still situating, their bodies still growing. How well does what they do work for someone who is done growing? Someone in their later twenties like me, or in their thirties?

By the same token, most of them are slender. I'm overweight. Now I'm stocky, short and a bit wide for a female body, so the ideal weight for my height makes me look like clothes on a hanger. But at almost 200lbs and only 5'1", I'm overweight. Tips and tricks for transitioning while overweight?? Good luck. And a lot of people who are transitioning or want to transition are overweight.

Looking at YouTube, you'd think you have to be young and slender to transition. You don't.

So what is this? This is my journey, another drop in the ocean of online gender diverse offerings, a perspective of someone still learning who they are as an adult.

Seeing a therapist, talking to a doctor, taking hormones, changing wardrobe, shopping in a different clothing department; I haven't done any of them yet.

So many blogs talk about these things as already happened or started, with the wisdom of experience, reassurance, encouragement. That's all well and good, but here's a different perspective.

All that talk of "been there, done that"? It makes me feel alienated, like doesn't anyone question these things? What's the process of figuring it all out? How come so many seem to just Know? So here's my blog, for everyone out there as lost as I am, to know you're not alone.

I hope that by watching my process and my journey, not just in doing but in finding out what I even want to accomplish, I can help someone out there figure themselves out, too. And know, not everyone just knows.

No comments:

Post a Comment