I've been on my gender journey since 2009. I have been attracted to both men and women probably my whole life, but I had my first crush on a girl when I was 13. Still, I never thought of myself as really any sexual identity, I guess. Certainly not bisexual. I knew other people who identified as bisexual, but I never placed that label on myself. When I was 19, in 2009, my desire for a woman partner started my journey into my sexual and gender identities.
I found the term bisexual, and thought of it in terms of myself. I started using it to describe myself, because at that point, it was the only term I knew that fit. But wondering about my sexuality (because while I most certainly was not "straight", "bisexual" didn't really feel right either) lead me to wonder about my gender.
I've called myself many things over the course of my gender journey, and I'm sure I'll get into the specifics elsewhere on this blog. But for now let's just say it's complicated. One of the earliest things I did decide, and that has not changed, was my pronouns. As early as 2011, I said out loud that I wanted to use the pronouns "it / it / its". The two people who I said it to then - well, one was mostly confused, and uncomfortable. The other was outright angry. In her view, "it" is only applied to objects, and to refer to me as "it" would dehumanize me, disrespect me.
Now, she's not wrong to feel that way. As a person of the SAGA (LGBTQIA+) community in more than one way, it's an important thing to think about. Transgender, transsexual, gay, lesbian, and all around queer folk have been called "it" as a way to treat them as objects. It was a way to disrespect them; while not using the pronouns associated with one's birth, "it" was also not the pronoun of one's gender identity for binary transgender folks. "It" was a way to say, "if that's what you think you are, you are not human."
And I caution everyone: do not use "it" pronouns for any human who has not explicitly asked you to do so. "It" is often dehumanizing to folks in the SAGA community. Bullies used it that way, and some probably still do. You may be met with anger for disrespecting someone. "It" is a hard pronoun to use because of all this social stigma.
I certainly wouldn't want my friends to get in trouble with a well-meaning by-stander who gets upset on my behalf, because they referred to me as "it" after I asked them to. So, out of respect for other people, I don't ask anyone to call me "it". It's too tender a subject, it freaks people out, and ultimately, so I've thought for a long time, it's not worth it.
So I tell people I use "they / them / theirs". It's so much better than "she / her / hers", and it's easier than asking people on certain days only to use "he / him / his". (Oh yea, I'm some breed of gender fluid.) But I'm a unique creature, as are we all.
As time has gone on, my journey has continued. I'm a very thorough, precise individual. Terms that generalize aren't good enough for me to use, because I'm precise. I'll tell others I'm bisexual, because in that environment it's easier and I know "bisexual" will at least be accepted fairly painlessly. I'll say "nonbinary", or "gender queer", or "gender neutral", even if none of those are the whole story, because it allows enough of an explanation that people don't question the pronouns I use.
You know what, though? My whole life, because of anxiety, I have built myself around everyone else's expectations. I saw what things made my parents, my teachers, my siblings, my friends happy, and I did those things. I lived my life to respect others and avoid confrontation and really all forms of conflict. There were times my wild side came out. I was so ashamed that for whatever unexplainable reason I had acted out, because I had made people mad. How dare I. Those experiences only acted to reinforce this idea I had that I should only be whatever other people wanted me to be.
When I started exploring who I actually am, or was, when I was 19... My biggest promise to myself was that I would learn how to be authentically me, and to live as my own authentic self. Not some mask to please others, not a non-person so I could be whoever anyone else wanted. I would only make space for me to be me. No excuses. No apologies.
It's hard to live that life. With anxiety. With depression. With a world of responsibilities and expectations. I constantly have to question why I do what I do. Am I doing it for me, because I want to? Or am I doing it because I feel like I have to? Sometimes the later is acceptable - I have to have a job. But most of the time, if I'm not doing it because I want to, I'm doing it to please someone else or to fulfill someone else's expectations as I perceive them (which often is not accurate to what that person actually wants, let alone expects). And that means it's time to stop doing that thing.
So why do I use "they / them / theirs"? Because society thinks "it" is taboo, too much stigma. Because society says "it" is unacceptable. It makes other people uncomfortable, or even downright angry that I would ask them to "dehumanize me". But you know what? "It" doesn't hold that stigma for me. "It" isn't dehumanizing me. "It" isn't the problem.
For me, I don't feel like a "he" or a "she", not wholly. For me, I don't feel like a "they". I couldn't tell you why, because I understand and use "they" as singular, and it's acceptable. But "they" doesn't really describe who I am, in the sense that "she" describes who a woman is or "he" describes who a man is. "They", while close, is just too general a term, not precise enough. "They" doesn't have the essence of my gender, as it were.
You know what I feel like describes me, in terms of pronouns? "IT". When I imagine someone else talking about me, and using "it" pronouns, it doesn't feel like they are treating me as an object. It doesn't feel like they are dehumanizing me. It doesn't feel like they are disrespecting me. It feels like they are accepting me for who I am, and respecting me as a person. It feels like they trust me to know who I am, and it feels like they are accurately representing who I am in that conversation.
For me, in reference to me, "it" is acceptable.
And to all those well-meaning bystanders who jump in on others' behalf, maybe you can start with a question before you get angry about something that isn't even a problem.
I'm a real person. Who I am is complicated, and that's OK, because it's a modality of better understanding myself. I don't pressure other people to remember the nitty-gritty details. I don't often use the full discourse in conversation. I don't get mad about other people getting me wrong. That's all OK. Because they are my choices. I am an "it", and that is OK too. Because I say it is. Because I decided to use this pronoun for myself. What's OK for me is only OK for me because I say it is. No one else gets a say in that, just as I don't get a say in what anyone else's authentic self is.
So please. My name is Shea Dalziel, and I use "it / it / its" pronouns. What about you?
