Is 'It' Acceptable?

I've been on my gender journey since 2009. I have been attracted to both men and women probably my whole life, but I had my first crush on a girl when I was 13. Still, I never thought of myself as really any sexual identity, I guess. Certainly not bisexual. I knew other people who identified as bisexual, but I never placed that label on myself. When I was 19, in 2009, my desire for a woman partner started my journey into my sexual and gender identities.

I found the term bisexual, and thought of it in terms of myself. I started using it to describe myself, because at that point, it was the only term I knew that fit. But wondering about my sexuality (because while I most certainly was not "straight", "bisexual" didn't really feel right either) lead me to wonder about my gender.

I've called myself many things over the course of my gender journey, and I'm sure I'll get into the specifics elsewhere on this blog. But for now let's just say it's complicated. One of the earliest things I did decide, and that has not changed, was my pronouns. As early as 2011, I said out loud that I wanted to use the pronouns "it / it / its". The two people who I said it to then - well, one was mostly confused, and uncomfortable. The other was outright angry. In her view, "it" is only applied to objects, and to refer to me as "it" would dehumanize me, disrespect me.

Now, she's not wrong to feel that way. As a person of the SAGA (LGBTQIA+) community in more than one way, it's an important thing to think about. Transgender, transsexual, gay, lesbian, and all around queer folk have been called "it" as a way to treat them as objects. It was a way to disrespect them; while not using the pronouns associated with one's birth, "it" was also not the pronoun of one's gender identity for binary transgender folks. "It" was a way to say, "if that's what you think you are, you are not human."

And I caution everyone: do not use "it" pronouns for any human who has not explicitly asked you to do so. "It" is often dehumanizing to folks in the SAGA community. Bullies used it that way, and some probably still do. You may be met with anger for disrespecting someone. "It" is a hard pronoun to use because of all this social stigma.

I certainly wouldn't want my friends to get in trouble with a well-meaning by-stander who gets upset on my behalf, because they referred to me as "it" after I asked them to. So, out of respect for other people, I don't ask anyone to call me "it". It's too tender a subject, it freaks people out, and ultimately, so I've thought for a long time, it's not worth it.

So I tell people I use "they / them / theirs". It's so much better than "she / her / hers", and it's easier than asking people on certain days only to use "he / him / his". (Oh yea, I'm some breed of gender fluid.) But I'm a unique creature, as are we all.

As time has gone on, my journey has continued. I'm a very thorough, precise individual. Terms that generalize aren't good enough for me to use, because I'm precise. I'll tell others I'm bisexual, because in that environment it's easier and I know "bisexual" will at least be accepted fairly painlessly. I'll say "nonbinary", or "gender queer", or "gender neutral", even if none of those are the whole story, because it allows enough of an explanation that people don't question the pronouns I use.

You know what, though? My whole life, because of anxiety, I have built myself around everyone else's expectations. I saw what things made my parents, my teachers, my siblings, my friends happy, and I did those things. I lived my life to respect others and avoid confrontation and really all forms of conflict. There were times my wild side came out. I was so ashamed that for whatever unexplainable reason I had acted out, because I had made people mad. How dare I. Those experiences only acted to reinforce this idea I had that I should only be whatever other people wanted me to be.

When I started exploring who I actually am, or was, when I was 19... My biggest promise to myself was that I would learn how to be authentically me, and to live as my own authentic self. Not some mask to please others, not a non-person so I could be whoever anyone else wanted. I would only make space for me to be me. No excuses. No apologies.

It's hard to live that life. With anxiety. With depression. With a world of responsibilities and expectations. I constantly have to question why I do what I do. Am I doing it for me, because I want to? Or am I doing it because I feel like I have to? Sometimes the later is acceptable - I have to have a job. But most of the time, if I'm not doing it because I want to, I'm doing it to please someone else or to fulfill someone else's expectations as I perceive them (which often is not accurate to what that person actually wants, let alone expects). And that means it's time to stop doing that thing.

So why do I use "they / them / theirs"? Because society thinks "it" is taboo, too much stigma. Because society says "it" is unacceptable. It makes other people uncomfortable, or even downright angry that I would ask them to "dehumanize me". But you know what? "It" doesn't hold that stigma for me. "It" isn't dehumanizing me. "It" isn't the problem.

For me, I don't feel like a "he" or a "she", not wholly. For me, I don't feel like a "they". I couldn't tell you why, because I understand and use "they" as singular, and it's acceptable. But "they" doesn't really describe who I am, in the sense that "she" describes who a woman is or "he" describes who a man is. "They", while close, is just too general a term, not precise enough. "They" doesn't have the essence of my gender, as it were.

You know what I feel like describes me, in terms of pronouns? "IT". When I imagine someone else talking about me, and using "it" pronouns, it doesn't feel like they are treating me as an object. It doesn't feel like they are dehumanizing me. It doesn't feel like they are disrespecting me. It feels like they are accepting me for who I am, and respecting me as a person. It feels like they trust me to know who I am, and it feels like they are accurately representing who I am in that conversation.

For me, in reference to me, "it" is acceptable.

And to all those well-meaning bystanders who jump in on others' behalf, maybe you can start with a question before you get angry about something that isn't even a problem.

I'm a real person. Who I am is complicated, and that's OK, because it's a modality of better understanding myself. I don't pressure other people to remember the nitty-gritty details. I don't often use the full discourse in conversation. I don't get mad about other people getting me wrong. That's all OK. Because they are my choices. I am an "it", and that is OK too. Because I say it is. Because I decided to use this pronoun for myself. What's OK for me is only OK for me because I say it is. No one else gets a say in that, just as I don't get a say in what anyone else's authentic self is.

So please. My name is Shea Dalziel, and I use "it / it / its" pronouns. What about you?

Back Again?

Not that it matters too much because I have 0 following at this time. It's been a long time since I've posted here, and I really barely got started to begin with. But I've decided recently I need to do something to try to get out of my current job. What I always come back to, in some way, is writing. To practice my writing, I've decided to start blogging again.

I'm going to add a couple new blogs too. One for things related to my spirituality, and one for random thoughts. I'm going to start viewing these as online journals, since I'm starting electronic journals anyway. I won't write everything on blogs of course. Some things I need to keep private. But a lot is just going to go up here. Because why not.

Gender Only Matters in One (Really Big) Way

According to an FtM friend, it's normal for transitioning or non-binary folks to, at least for a time, have the opinion that gender as a social construct is a dumb idea. He eventually got to a place where he felt more at home as one of the guys than otherwise, and learned how to use the social construct of gender and all of its relevant social cues to get into the guys' circle.

I have never been, nor do I ever want to be, one of the girls or one of the guys. I just don't fit with either circle, and I know it, and I don't want to change me just to fit in. So, at least for right now, I am of the opinion that gender is a dumb idea.

In the human culture, gender roles once played a part in things, and it started based on sex. Since before homo sapiens, those of female anatomy were sometimes pregnant or breastfeeding, and therefore were to be protected (since the offspring were being protected). Our ancestors moved in packs, males and females and children all together, scavenging and foraging. Mothers who were still carrying infants around would stay back in the protected bush, protecting the child they were with, while the left over bits of an animal were investigated. Once it was found to be safe, the mothers and children came out.

Eventually, we settled a bit more, and had stationary places we frequently came back to. Here, the mothers could stay to protect the children (since the children needed them anyway) while everyone else - males and females - went to get food. Over the millenia, we've retained this idea that females as mothers need to stay at home to take care of the kids while everyone else (namely, the male partner) can go to work. Certainly when a mother is pregnant and bedridden, or breastfeeding, this makes sense.

But human females aren't always needed by infants any more; between day care and public school, children can be taken care of while both parents work. Sometimes, the father even decides to stay at home while the mother works. One way or anther, many women today work jobs, even with children still at home. Many women never even have kids, or choose to adopt.

We should be more like other animals. Among dogs, for example, there's no real expected behavior for how a male dog or female dog behaves. Both sexes hunt, and how well they hunt has a lot more to do with the individual dog than that dog's sex. Both male and female dogs love to run and swim and play and do whatever dogs do. Female dogs can dominate male dogs by mounting them; dominance even has more to do with the individual dog. Humans frequently use male pronouns for female dogs (or vice versa) because they act so much the same. The only time sex or gender matters is, well, when they have sex. Who can physically take which role? The end.

Many of the things "governed" by gender roles in human society are no longer clear cut. Men do things previously belonging to the female gender role, and vice versa. Women and men do the same jobs. Men and women wear the same clothes, and both wear clothing of the opposite gender. The transgender, non-binary, and homosexual communities are growing, changing what gender even means, and how it relates to our roles in relationships. We're more like other animals now, who don't care what gender anyone is until it comes time to mate. It really seems to me that the only definitive reasons for gender, or as it were sex, is when it comes to sexual relationships. And with sexual reassignment surgery, even that gets blurry.

Gender no longer matters to determine who should stay home and who should work, what type of job a person should have, even what a person should like (or dislike) and how a person should act or dress. All these things are parts of gender identity and gender role. It's become less and less okay to expect that a woman always wear dresses or like the color pink or carry a purse; and less and less okay to expect that men should always be macho, be the breadwinner, or like sports. Gender roles are degrading. So where does gender matter?

Gender and sex only seem to make sense, to me, in romantic and sexual relationships. What are you attracted to? What is the other person attracted to? Who has what equipment, and, almost more importantly, who is comfortable using what equipment? Is there concern for who will get pregnant? If there is the potential for children, who wants to carry the child (if either are able to), and who wants to "father" the child (again, if either are able)?

Beyond this bedroom talk, who cares what genitalia you have, what hormones course through you, or what secondary sex characteristics you have? Sex doesn't matter outside of reproduction. And in a world where gender is more and more blurred, gender doesn't matter either. You have the right to identify however you want to, and no one should say shit about it, regardless of how you act or look, what you like or dislike, and what sex you are. And in that light, gender identity is going to be a thing for a long time. There are plenty of people who are just not comfortable identifying as their at-birth anatomical sex, whether they want to physically change it or not, for gender identity to just stop existing. And I'm not asking it to.

At the same time, what importance does gender identity have? It's a social cue, a way for people to identify with each other, know how to act around each other, and form relationships. Men know how to relate to men, being men themselves. Women know how to relate to women, being women themselves. Women and men have varying expectations of how to act around each other. Transgender and transsexual folk instinctively act male or female, and take social cues from the group they identify with in order to learn how to be more that. Also, because they want to be accepted by that social group, they learn to be like them as much as they can. And the rest of the gender social groups are still forming, few of us far enough between... and still figuring out what it means to be gender neutral, neutrois, agender, third gender, non-gendered, non-binary. We're still building these other gender roles, so to speak.

I guess I've answered my own question: gender doesn't matter in most aspects of society any more, but it does still matter in one important aspect. Gender matters in how we relate to each other, and not just in picking romantic or sexual partners, partly because it's been part of how we identify ourselves and each other for so long. Sex might only pertain to sex, but gender is a part of how we relate.

What is this?

I am female bodied, but I'm not one of the girls. Nor am I one of the guys. I don't identify as male, or a man, or female, or a woman. I once identified as gender fluid, but have found it to be inaccurate. Gender neutral? Third gender? Androgyne? Agender? What?

I'm still questioning, but I know I'm some where in between, not quite anything, never quite belonging.

There are others that seem to be in a similar situation, and they've adopted the terms that make sense to them right now (or right whenever they wrote or said what they wrote or said). But none of the terms seem quite right to me. It's all very confusing.

I am transitioning, though. This is a new concept to me. I used to think that a person could only transition within the binary - male to female, female to male. Apparently you can transition (with therapist and doctor and all that) to "neutral" or "neutrois". The acronym seems to always be *tN, whatever you want the N to stand for. More on this later, but right now I'm focusing on changing my expression and presentation, things like my voice and hair and clothes.

Looking for tips and tricks, I found all these videos on YouTube by teenage FtMs or MtFs, or *tNs even. I'm 26. A decade older than these blog and vlog authors. These people are transitioning while their hormones are still situating, their bodies still growing. How well does what they do work for someone who is done growing? Someone in their later twenties like me, or in their thirties?

By the same token, most of them are slender. I'm overweight. Now I'm stocky, short and a bit wide for a female body, so the ideal weight for my height makes me look like clothes on a hanger. But at almost 200lbs and only 5'1", I'm overweight. Tips and tricks for transitioning while overweight?? Good luck. And a lot of people who are transitioning or want to transition are overweight.

Looking at YouTube, you'd think you have to be young and slender to transition. You don't.

So what is this? This is my journey, another drop in the ocean of online gender diverse offerings, a perspective of someone still learning who they are as an adult.

Seeing a therapist, talking to a doctor, taking hormones, changing wardrobe, shopping in a different clothing department; I haven't done any of them yet.

So many blogs talk about these things as already happened or started, with the wisdom of experience, reassurance, encouragement. That's all well and good, but here's a different perspective.

All that talk of "been there, done that"? It makes me feel alienated, like doesn't anyone question these things? What's the process of figuring it all out? How come so many seem to just Know? So here's my blog, for everyone out there as lost as I am, to know you're not alone.

I hope that by watching my process and my journey, not just in doing but in finding out what I even want to accomplish, I can help someone out there figure themselves out, too. And know, not everyone just knows.